Jeff "Jack Bastard" Bastien; is he a man or some kind of comedy robot?
Jeff didn't earn his coveted "Jack Bastard" title by hugging puppies
smelling daises, oh no... unless that puppy was dead and the daisies
smelled of the carcasses of all who questioned where the line should be
As one of the founding members of the illustrious DropOuts, Jeff's
comedy style is well, how do you say... different? Scary? Arms and legs
akimbo? You know those jokes you think of in your head that your better
sense gene says, NO DON'T SAY IT, IT WILL OFFEND EVERYONE. Jeff wasn't
born with that gene...
With such characters as living abortion and well enough said...
Quick of wit and on point when it comes to a song, Jeff has comedy
balls. His tall stature and slendor body make him excellent to fit
doors if you forget your keys, but also make his physical comedy
unforgettable. You would think he could fly by the amount of time he
spends being thrown around by himself and others on stage.
Jeff has been known to put together a comedy song on the spot and is
always keeping our host Ian's hand close to the buzzer for when he
finally sees the opportunity to unleash his dark side.
A man not to be pigeonholed into one category, Bastard has been known
act (if he's ever nice to you, that's his acting) and direct with
Theatre Windsor. He also works heavily with WDX teaching drama and has
been known to dance with them now and again.
Jeff is always thinking about the DropOuts future, about our next
challenge, many a time will you see him wringing his hands muttering
"I'll get them, I'll get them all!" which his psychologist assures us
is thinking about accolades for the DropOuts, not about killing us like
before the medication...
he walks in the room and immediately everyone has to look at him...
with lion's pride and goofy grin he charms the ladies and makes green
green envy from the eyes of men who really react as boys when someone
else has the cool transformer.. a transformer is what he is... changing
from english snob to angry bebe to hustling homosexual to a bear with
no courage to... it never stops...
he finds solace, camaraderie, and access to booze through the
dropouts... also tends to do some shopping on the side with his well
hung charm on his sleeve... the girls lap at his schtick and tell him
he's funniest... he grins and winks and the audience roars... as do his
co-workers... labelling him king funny in the indigo lunchroom as he
punches a POS with dick's fingers finding every hole in his
architectured retail system...
when not dropping bombs between chapters and versus the public, he's
creating characters to drape around his jolly self while dancing swifty
down his path towards world unification through self-improvement and
the enhancement of intelligence... sometimes we think he's still joking
about that... then we see his drafting table with the plans...
benign fascism distracted another day by a dropouts show...
long live the dropouts, eh?
Found as a feral child in the late 1600’s, Ian Bruno was raised by
wolves until the age of 8. Ian, who’s wolf name was Arno, was
taken in by Austrian nobles and provided a life of privilege until the
age of 16 where he was found to possess super-natural powers of
comedy. He was whisked away to live with monks (poor bastard) in
the upper ranges of Tibet in hopes that his powers would not fall into
the wrong hands. There he learned the ways of the monks, learning
about nature (boooring), martial arts (that’s cool), and most
importantly how to harness the power of his super natural comedic
ability; without endangering anyone around him. Hired by the CIA
in 1942 or 1943 (these records are still classified and Ian and the CIA
continue to tell us he doesn’t work for them…liars) Ian’s powers were
put to use during World War II. Dubbed, “Project Giggle”, Ian was
plied with the task of using his improvisation and sketch comedy skills
to fight covert battles for the Allies. Masquerading as a German
(from his repertoire of disguises that also includes a French maid);
Ian would pose as an entertainer and then completely immobilize the
German command with his supernatural abilities. Now, still
believed to be a CIA operative and over 300 years old, Ian is here, to
protect the citizens of Windsor from the evil of Dr. Gloom and his
beautiful (yet still equally evil) assistant Depressiya. As long
as there is drab, as long as soap operas exist, Arno the two legged
wolf will be here to fight them back with laughter!
Monique Formosa, what is there to say? We said we'd never have any
Belgians in the DropOuts, ever. That was Rule One. But somehow this
half Maltese, all hilarious woman has won her way into our hearts. An
English teacher, so she's always there to point out when we've made a
spelling mistake or dreadfully ended our sentences with a preposition.
By pointing out our mistakes we mean roundhouse kicks to our ribs. Ouch
Monique is always the most prepared of all of us, which makes us angry.
Come to think of it, she's the most friendly, and least likely to
insult, or sue. Even though this is usually frowned upon in terms of
policy, next to Jeff she looks the best in a skirt.... by far.
The pace of The DropOuts is fast and frantic, and very few have quickly
adapted and adopted as well as she. She's also baffling, having a twin
sister, confounding the DropOuts with her identity. So we assume that
she's a ninja, keeping all of our DropOuts katana blades out of her
reach.... because she's not very tall. Bruno, no longer being the
shortest is eager to keep her around. Monique is the most stable
DropOut of all
the DropOuts and we'll continue to exploit her stable grip on reality.
Though one of the newest members of The DropOuts. Monique can hang. She
can also sing better than the rest of us, Monique will sing like an
While we all hack. We wish we were angels....
Tim Marshall, a man oft donning sunglasses and in the presence of
alcohol. He never ends his sentences with prepositions. What do you do
with a stand-up comedian that was the funniest guy in town fifteen
years ago? Well, you can either laugh and point at him, calling him
names and throwing feces at him, or you can pull in this veteran of
vaudville into a tight-knit group of humour crime fighters. Like a
sneeze from two people, it's a double blessing getting Tim into the
ranks of the Dropouts; he's still as funny now as he was those fifteen
years ago... no, not funnier, just as funny... and he has a charisma
that's taken the Dropouts further than they've ever gone before, oh and
he has a hot girlfriend.